The Family Crisis

She sat in my office and cried.  She cried tears of rage, disappointment, and a broken heart.  Her family was falling apart all around her and there was nothing she could do.  She wasn’t the problem or the reason for this but felt like she was.  She bore the brunt of emotional outbursts from parents who were struggling to keep it together.  Bad decisions on their part had brought this family to its grave and the kids were the ones that paid the price.

It is not an unfamiliar story in this country.  Estimations are as high as 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that number is virtually no different for Christians.  As a student minister I deal with this issue on a daily basis.  Whether it be a family that has divorced, headed for one or that is just dysfunctional, I counsel teens and tweens on this weekly.  The family is under attack and we are failing to address it.

God created two institutions to tell His story to the world; the family and the church.  The two cannot exist without the other.  And for far too long we have allowed the church to take away the role of the parents as the primary source of Biblical teaching.  For far too long parents have sat back and watched the church teach their kids and not been involved.  It’s time for us to partner together and really engage families’ right where they are.

There is a common thread that runs through many of these families that are falling apart in the church.  That thread is a lack of Biblical understanding.  They don’t know God’s word therefore they don’t really follow God’s word.

Matthew 19:4-6 clearly states that no man should separate what God has joined together and Mark 10: 2-12 are some of the harder teachings about what happens when there is a divorce and remarriage for the wrong reasons.  I’m not saying that ALL divorce is wrong, but I am repeating and rephrasing Christ’s words when I say that almost all divorce is wrong.

How many people would be willing to really trust in Christ and follow His words when the entire world says to run?  How many Christian understand what Jesus is saying about life and how we are called to live?  How many of us really put our life in Christ’s hands and let go of everything?  As followers we have to ask ourselves some tough questions and then apply those tough answers to our lives.  We have to partner with these families in crisis to show them Christ’s healing love and power.

Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us…”  Either we believe that or we don’t.

His words are hard.  His teachings grate and irritate.  He calls us to more than we can do on our own.  It’s time for us to really begin to disciple people in His word and then live it- even when it’s hard.

Blessings

Transitions

School starts in just a little over a week.  5th graders heading off to middle school, 8th graders moving up into high school, and graduated Seniors moving off to college.  It's a lot for a family to take.  The emotional stress can take a toll on the relationship.

So here are a few things taken from a recent article USA Today's Family & Parenting (link to entire article is found below):

Loosen your grip. Kids will come home at Thanksgiving expecting more freedom. So lighten up now and see how it feels. The Wingates say they have dropped Sara's curfew and set fewer rules this summer. Tiffany says she is getting used to the idea that "I'm not going to know where she is or what she's doing" all the time.

But take time to get close. If there's still time, take a weekend trip with your child. Or set time aside for a trip to a ballpark, spa or somewhere else where you can have a good talk and a laugh.

Talk about talking. Discuss how and how often you will communicate after school starts. That can prevent hurt feelings and needless worry, Cohen says. Sara Wingate says she's glad her parents have agreed that she will be the first to call or text them after move-in day: "They understand that I'm not going to call every day."

Learn to text. If you somehow got through your child's high school years without learning how to send text messages, learn now. Today's college students don't use e-mail much and don't always pick up calls, but most of them read and answer texts, Cohen says.

Chill out. Campus crimes happen, but "99.9999% of students are going to be fine," Cohen says. Don't sweat mildly alarming Facebook posts from your child's future roommate, either, Rode urges. "For the most part, we encourage students to get to know their roommates, in person," before requesting any changes, she says.

But don't be cold. Some parents tune out their departing kids as a preemptive coping strategy, Cohen says. You'll know you've overdone the chilling thing when you find yourself redecorating their bedroom while they are still sleeping in it, he says.

Get your calendar for next month. Fill it. "That way you won't be sitting at home wondering what your kid is doing," Cohen says.

Master moving day. Most colleges have "a finely tuned move-in plan," Rode says. Follow it. Then leave. "If you are the only parent left, you've stayed too long," Cohen says. Depart with a smile and without tears, if you can.  (Kids bound for college; what's a parent to do?)

What are some things that you are doing to help with school transitions?  

Blessings

Just a Game?

I didn't get to see the Cardinal game last night, so this morning after my run I put it on SportsCenter to see the outcome.  I was happy to see the Cards pull out the win in overtime but became absolutely disgusted when I saw what happened with Yadier Molina!

If you missed it here's a link to the video:

Yadi's strike out

What I saw was a grown man playing a child's game acting like a spoiled brat!  I understand him wanting to win and that it's his profession but as a parent I'm more concerned with how this looks to my kids.  What lesson did they learn for Molina's antics?  What can be drawn from watching a grown man throw a tantrum?

James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

As a parent I would use this incident to talk about our reaction to circumstances outside our control.  I would point out that God's way is much more productive than letting our emotions run wild.  I would show my kids that because Yadi acted the way he did, he'll probably be riding the bench during the most important stretch of the season so far.

Join the conversation and let me know what you think.

Blessings

My Wife

Tomorrow is my wife's birthday. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that God blessed me before I knew it. Tomorrow is a celebration of the day that changed the course of my life before it needed changing.

Most people don't know this about my wife, but she saved my life. Well, I don't mean "pulled me out of a burning building" saved my life but rather she showed up and loved me at a time when very few did.

I had a rough couple of years after I was out of college. It was bad enough that almost all of my friends turned their backs on me. I even had one tell me that I was going to hell (he told me this sitting in the cafeteria of my Christian college). If you've ever felt rejected by the church then you understand where I'm coming from. These followers' words and attitudes so poisoned my spirit that I walked away from it all; the church, God, and anyone that had anything to do with Him. It was not pretty to be a part of and my life was a wreck.

It was about the same time that Tori came into my life in a very unexpected way. We were both dating people we thought we would marry. My girlfriend was off at another school and her boyfriend was a good friend at our college. To make a long story short, we both ended up heartbroken and single at the same time. Initially our friendship was just that, a good friendship. We were struggling through similar situations and turned to one another for guidance and comfort. Nothing more.

I had known her for a couple of years and never saw her as anything other than my friend. But as our conversations went longer and longer into the evenings my eyes opened to this stunning young woman sitting on the other end of a phone. I started getting excited when I knew I was going to see her, and I began coming up with reasons and excuses to make sure that happened as often as possible.

Our dating relationship started when she asked me if I was ever going to ask her on a date. I didn't know if she was just kidding but I took the chance and our first date was to the Applebee's in Joplin, MO and to see the movie "Good Will Hunting".

Afterwards we went to a friends house where she told me she had a great time but wouldn't see me again until I severed all ties with my old girlfriend. Ummmm...DONE!

Our first kiss was in the middle of Oklahoma somewhere at 12:05 on February 15, 1998. I remember the time and date because it was at that moment I knew that she was to be my wife. I loved her from the start and haven't stopped since.

She rescued me from all the of the mess I had made of my life and stood by me when most chose to walk away. She loved me at my worst and so I know she loves me now.

She has given me the two most beautiful children and blessed my life more than I can count or imagine. Other than God's gift of grace she is the single greatest blessing in my life. I would not be here were it not for her.

So when the clock strikes midnight tonight and rolls into tomorrow, it will not just be another birthday to celebrate for me. It is the day that saved my life, it is the day that brought me here, it is the day that my honeybunny came into this world and rocked mine!

You & Me Together  Link to our song 

Legacy

The church I serve at, Wentzville Christian Church, is celebrating its 50th year of ministry on Aug. 7. We’re making a big deal of it by bringing back our very first preacher Lee Erwin and then having Thomas and Sharon Rudebeck perform their Illusionist act that night. All of that will be a great deal of fun but the part that really strikes me is a video I watched yesterday of our longest standing members- Carl and Wanda Vestal.

Some of you may actually know them. They’ve been a part of this church since the mid 60’s. In the video they talked about the struggle of the early days, about not being able to meet financial obligations and how sister churches helped them. They talked about the prayers for the church and how difficult things got sometimes. But they also spoke about God leading them here and how much they loved WCC. They spoke of never imagining what would happen over the years and how it moves them to see so many people here now.

As I watched the video I was struck with the paradox that is our faith. We all play such a small role in the overall life of His church but each little part is integral to His story being told in our communities. The fact that our Creator choses to speak through us at all is amazing to me, but then to see what He will truly do when we surrender everything is awesome.

Their words stirred my spirit and challenged my walk in Christ. I have been challenged to think about my legacy. To begin thinking about what am I doing now that will leave a lasting impression on my children and my community.

When we look at the life of Christ and those that followed him we are challenged by the singular focus of spreading God’s Kingdom on this earth. They did that in actions (Paul’s missionary journeys) and with words. We can look all around us and see the legacy they left us. I’m writing to you only because the early church withstood horrors I pray I never see.

In Acts 4 we see that in the first recorded prayer of the 1st century church was not for safety (no one would have blamed them) but for boldness to proclaim His word. In the midst of arrests and killings they prayed that God would make them bolder. And because of this faith millions have heard about the name of Christ.

As I play my little part in His story, I pray that those I influence and particularly my children look back on my life and see that singular focus as well. I pray that my life is worthy of the legacy given to me by this great cloud of witnesses before me. I pray that my ministry, along with all those serving Christ in this community, lives up to the prayers of Carl and Wanda Vestal.

Baby boy

Two years ago today we were blessed with a bundle of chaotic joy.  We named him Brock because we like the strength of the old English name but didn't realize that it would fit him so well.  Just this past week he gave me a black eye with a well placed headbutt!

But we are very thankful and blessed to have him with us.  See we never thought we were going to have another biological child after our first one.  We experienced secondary infertility. ( Parenting Magazine) We tried for years to have another and with each failed pregnancy test we began to give up hope.  We knew several people that had used different medications and medical procedures but we had decided that wasn't right for us.  We reasoned that if God was going to bless us with another child, He would in His time.

But I'll admit it became very discouraging.  We resigned ourselves that Jenna would be it.  Not that we were saddened by this, she is an amazing young woman who makes our lives richer everyday.  But we wanted so desperately to add to our little family.

Tori and I sat at Steak n Shake eating dinner while Jenna was with my parents and her cousin.  Tori stopped eating and looked at me for a moment.  I wasn't sure what she was going to say, so I just said "What?"

She said that she was "late" and asked if we should get a pregnancy test.  Hope rose deep within my heart, but I tempered that and said it couldn't hurt just to check.  It was only a little bit of money, and we would know for sure we weren't, then just move on like all the other times.  So we hit Wal Mart and bought the test, took it home and the result was the same as all the others- negative. 

After so many negatives you just get used to it, so it was no shock or big deal and we went on with our night.

The next morning was Thanksgiving day and we all sat on the couch watching the Thanksgiving day parades on TV.  For some reason Tori quickly got up and left the room.  She came back a few moments later holding something in her hand and looking like she had just seen a ghost.

"I wanted to go back and check the test one more time.  Here, look."

I reached out and took the stick.  I didn't understand what I was looking at because it now showed positive.  My heart started beating faster and tears came to my eyes.  We stared at each other in disbelief and Jenna was so confused she just kept asking "What? What? What is it?"

We started to cry and explained to Jenna that she was going to have a little brother or sister soon.  We jumped in some clothes and quickly got several more tests that all came out positive!  We still don't know why that first test initially showed negative only to show positive the next morning.

These last two years have gone by in a blink of an eye.  But Tori and I are so blessed with the children God entrusted to us that we can't imagine life any other way.

Brock is our baby boy.  He lives up to his name's meaning of badger.  He's fearless, stubborn, energetic, sweet, rotten all at the same time.  And as he blew out his birthday candles for the millionth time, I couldn't help but think back to that day and the joy we have on this day.

Blessings

Day 4

I am so tired.  It's after midnight and I am ready for bed.  The drive ahead calls out to me, as does my bed and shower!!!

It's so late because God moves when He moves and there's not a thing we can do about it.  After serving the Alexander family today and clearing a massive amount of debris, we ate some pizza and headed out to worship.  There we sang of His amazing goodness and faithfulness. When we sang the words "If God is for us then who can stand against?" it sounded different.  How does one reconcile the tragedy we worked in with the goodness of a holy Creator?  The redemptive power of the cross is how.  That work of reconciliation that is constantly working in and through us is how.  The hope that we find in Christ's resurrection and the call to live that hope and restoration in our lives is how.

After a time of stories and fountain drinks we headed back to the college where something truly awesome happened; God moved.  And as is His want to, He moved small at first.  I talked about how this trip has the power to change us if we let it, then Brian spoke of Paul's call to serve in urgent need (in his letter to Titus) and then that small voice started speaking to one of the students. 

Coleman raised his hand and asked to say something.  He asked if the kids had fun and then if they were heartbroken.  He then asked how awesome would it be to bring down another group, but instead of just 30- what would happen if we had 100 or 150 followers answering the call?  What would happen if we did this back home?  And the flood gates opened.  Student after student talking of love and family, tears came and confessions made.  One of our students is answering the call to baptism and yet another to changing the course of his life.  Conversations started happening and well, here I am.  Posting after midnight when this old man should be fast asleep.

This is the best trip I've ever had with a group of students and adults.  I have been honored to play my little part in the discipleship of these young followers.  My prayer is that when we return home that we don't leave the lessons learned in Joplin, in Joplin.  But that they come home changed, renewed, focused on the call to our community.  We have been called to Engage and I plan on doing just that.

Whose with me?

Blessings